The Gifts of Imperfection

Hallie Moberg Brauer
Dec 4, 2019
4 min read

Updated: Sep 19, 2024

Title: The Gifts of Imperfection

What is it? A book

Author: Brenè Brown, a researcher and social worker from Texas who has gained a lot of fame and popularity regarding her research on shame and vulnerability. She’s known for her TED Talks, Call to Courage on Netflix, her numerous books, and the fact that I personally reference her (at minimum) three times a day.

Who should read it? All you Type A, perfectionist maniacs out there. You know who you are! I have always been one, and this book CHANGED MY LIFE. No lie, this book helped me re-evaluate my relationships, my entire rhythm at work, and how I define personal and professional success.

Two Minute Skinny: This book is like a winding, twisty journey with “Aha!” moments every 5-6 seconds. Brenè opens with her own experiences with perfectionism, people pleasing, and trying to control everything around her, and spends the entire book explaining why those habits both cultivate shame and ultimately hold us back from experiencing acceptance, belonging, and love.

She illustrates how perfectionists struggle with being our authentic selves, and “hustle” for approval and achievement instead. We figure out what pleases the people around us, what helps us fit in, and/or what helps us stand out and then become a chameleon, changing whatever we need to in order to achieve the desired outcome.

Perfectionists often see themselves as “the helper,” able and willing to give assistance, but unwilling to receive it. Like Brenè said “I derived self-worth from never needing help and always offering it.” In the helper role, we are often unwilling to admit to our own struggles, which leads to more shame, self-blame, and secret keeping to ensure everything still looks just right on the outside.

Brenè reminds us throughout the book that we are worthy of love and belonging RIGHT NOW. As achievers, we may believe that we need to complete prerequisites to acceptance and belonging, like losing weight, getting a promotion, or taking the next step in a relationship. She also explains why striving and perfectionism become such addictive habits - “Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgement, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough.”

Instead of being perfect, we should be authentic. Brenè explains authenticity as a practice, something that must be chosen every day. And according to her, choosing authenticity means doing the following:

Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable
Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle
Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough

Best Quote(s):

“Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us, when in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”

“Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into ‘those who offer help’ and ‘those who need help.’ The truth is that we are both. Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”

“Trying to co-opt or win over someone is always a mistake, because it means trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in your worthiness and start hustling for it.”

“When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves. When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love”

Rating/Is it worth your time?: Yes, Yes, YES. If you identify as a perfectionist, a “Type A” personality, an achiever, a people pleaser, if you have that J in your Meyers Briggs, this book is without a doubt worth your time. Even if you have read Brenè’s other work, I promise you that this book will speak to your perfectionist, controlling soul like nothing else ever has.

Listen guys, I really don’t want to commit to reading this whole book: If I just identified you as someone who should read this book in the last question, then READ. THE. DAMN. BOOK. If you still don’t trust me, there is a little teaser YouTube video (thank you, PBS) where Brenè discusses some of the main themes of the book. Check it out at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6xb4H5ueKs

If you really don’t want to read it, or if you don’t struggle with perfectionism and people pleasing, get some shorter nuggets of Brenè Brown wisdom this way: